A tongue in cheek look at renovating your home and some of the challenges you will run into. Even more so if you are doing it yourself.

1. Start by throwing out some …
Start by throwing out some of your significant other’s treasured [fill in the blank] from before you were married (finally). After all you need the extra room to be able to store stuff during the renovation. You know the stuff I mean. It could be that (?poster) he won’t get rid of, or her shoe collection from the 60’s. Now is the perfect time to get rid of it. This opportune time may never occur again. Say, it’s either this or the golf clubs. Anything. Get rid of it. It will be one positive you can remind yourself of when the stress of renovating makes you feel that this project was the biggest mistake of your life.

2. Impress your friends with some obscure facts.
Only someone who has built or remodeled their home can explain the fluid dynamics of a proper toilet water swirl. Or cite the International Building Code that calls for no more than 6’ between electrical outlets. Or brag that triple glazed windows are really the wave of the future for light emitting device technology. See what I mean? ?

3. Think of the project as a new diet.
Here is one way to lose those five pounds that we all want to lose. Between running to stores, meeting with contractors, inspecting the work, doing some work yourself, searching the western world for the perfect light fixture, who has time to eat? Provided you don’t sabotage this new diet plan with McDonalds drive through. And if you’re doing some of the work yourself – whether it’s painting, laying tile, landscaping the yard – you can count on another five to ten pounds of weight loss. Just think, you may be frustrated, exhausted, and down right cynical about the good of humankind but your jeans will fit nicely!

4. Look at writing checks as aerobic exercise.
These workouts are great for toning the wrist and fingers. Usually done in hectic spurts as you race out the door in the morning while the contractors are breathing down your neck and your kids are beating each other with their lunch boxes, the stress and frantic activity are sure to raise your heartbeat for a good hour. Grumbling under your breath that the electrician, or you name it, isn’t really worth this much money adds greater intensity and calorie burn to this exercise regime.

5. Pride yourself on your new creative skills.
You’ll discover a creative side that you never knew existed. Like how to wash dishes in the bath tub. How about cooking a full course meal for the family using nothing more than a toaster and a hot plate. Maybe it’s fitting the entire family into the basement rec. room of your house while the work is being done. Probably the only thing that separates modern and pioneer life is just one kitchen or bath remodeling project.

6. Save money through shopping burnout
Yes, even the most die-hard shopper will come to dread setting foot in any store. This affliction starts innocently enough as you go to look for plumbing fixtures. How hard can it be? Hard! Either what you want is being shipped from China and won’t arrive until six months after the job is complete or it’s no longer available. And then there’s light fixtures, carpet, tile, hardwood, stairs, siding, windows. Enough already! You may think it will be better when you can pick out “fun” things like paint, wall paper, drapes, fabrics or furniture, but don’t bet on it. As a result, when your home becomes half-way presentable, you’ll refuse to shop again, even for groceries, for at least six months. Maybe then you will be able to resume this previously pleasurable past time without guilt.

7. The perfect time to grow closer to your family through forced bathroom sharing.
In reality, there’s no greater way to create intimacy in a family than by all trying to get ready in the morning, in the same 7’x 5’ space. You’ll discover that there is no bond quite like the one created when the entire family brushes their teeth together over the same sink. You’ll realize why the older generation only washed their hair once a week instead of facing communal bathroom time. But most importantly, you’ll no longer need to yell at your kids to hurry up for school, they’re standing right next to you.

8. Yell at someone other than your kids, and not feel guilty.
Honestly, trying to juggle the running of your home, your job, and the future Olympic soccer aspirations of our children, you have the primal need to yell at someone. Anyone! Often your spouse and children suffer from this same need of yours to release pent up negative energy. When you renovate your house, you have a whole cast of characters that often deserve a good holler from time to time. Like when the contractors show you a mistake made three weeks ago that now requires half the house to be torn down in order to fix. Yelling isn’t immature or a result of too much estrogen, its therapy.

9. Don’t forget to hire the best looking contractors and feel young again.
This is a productivity tool. You’re more likely to inspect the job if the contractors are young, fit, good-looking men or women, especially in the summer months when less clothes tend to become the norm. They can become quite a stir in the neighborhood during the summer. It can make rushing home to go over things with the trades much more fun!

10. Earn free flights from all of your purchases.
In what is probably the only practical survival tip on this list, get an airline mileage credit card. Charge everything on it – lights, plumbing fixtures, windows, doors, lumber, carpet. The windows alone can get you close to one free trip. Whether you decide to share your miles with anyone else in the family or to escape on your own to a world of quiet solitude and, preferably, an open bar, is entirely up to you.

Finally, remember, the end result of your new house will be worth the aggravation of the process. Plus, think of all the good stories you can tell!

Posted by Dave McIntosh on Saturday, March 28th, 2009 at 7:07 pm.